Trolling For Tinfoil
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
I grew up in a house full of women.
Three sisters, which equals four mothers, six pairs of eyes in the back of the head and a crap load of intuition. A whole lot of love, don't get me wrong, but "feminine mystique" is about as real as Santa Claus to me.

My childhood?
I couldn't get away with nuthin'.

However, I learned a lot about women- (some of which I wish I hadn't..) but I also learned when to just shut up and go with the flow. (No pun intended..) Nothing will suck the life out of a thirteen year old boy like having to run to the 7-11 for tampons and panty hose.

Especially when your friends see you.

More than once.

Your'e more afraid of coming home without the panty hose and tampons than you are of your friends beating the crap out of you.

I learned to avoid it by throwing a fit, buying the wrong size, or disapearing outright but there were times when necessity outwheighed my whining, as women in close proximity with each other will run on the same cycle. I was outgunned, outnumbered and definitely not mean enough.
Things I believe about women-
  1. They will discuss any body function- in excruciating detail- with each other provided the women outnumber the men in the room. I do mean ANY body function.
  2. They will also discuss their sex lives in same graphic manner- again, provided they outnumber the men. (If you think your sex life is private between you and your Wife/GF, guess again, bucko. Her best friend AND all of her friends know how well, how often, and the answer to the size question..)
  3. They date by comparison. In other words: If Jane has a boyfriend who sings to her or buys her Teddy Bears, Jill will automatically scan the memory banks to see when the last time you bought her a teddy bear. (Never mind the fact that he may be a homeless musician, bribing his way out of his last binge with coke and hookers..That's not the point.)
  4. They cheat just as much as men, for the same reasons- But- They will close ranks when it happens to them, and better at excusing it when it's their turn. (As a musician, I can tell you that "girls night out" can sometimes get pretty ugly. I've been on the recieving end more than once, and they hide important pieces of jewelry just as well as men do..)
  5. They have more going on in their heads at any given time than we do all day. (They can juggle an amazing amount of things and remain totally focused.)
  6. If you've ever walked by a group of women and wondered what they're talking about, you can bet the conversation is centered around one of three things: Babies or children, men, or sex. That's it. There are smaller-sub categories, but that's pretty much it.
  7. Once they figure you out- You're done. Game over, roll over and play dead, or hang on for the ride. (Fortunately, they make us a whole lot more complex than we really are, so this can take a while, and it's not necessarily a bad thing when they do figure us out.)
This is not to say that I harbor some deep dislike of women, but I do know them pretty well.
To know them is still to love them.

Good post. Pretty much my take on women too.

I've finished living half my life and I think it is safe to say that I'll never figure them out. Have stopped trying. Five girlfriends (I moved a lot), one wife (actually six girlfriends if you count my wife) and I'm still as stumped as ever.

When I was much younger and much stupider, I used to try to second-guess them and try to behave the way I thought they wanted me to behave.

I have learned since to just be my own naked, abrasive self. The ones who come back are the ones who really care.

I've also learned a lot about them- and a lot from them, but I have to confess that I get annoyed when they try to tell me how persecuted they are.

Whoever said "It's a man's world" clearly wasn't paying attention.
omg rob - such a cynical attitude about women from someone so young (at least young probably from my age). I can tell you that I have 3 sisters and 5 brothers. I know nuttin' about men except that they always laugh at bathroom humor. I do somewhat agree with you about women except I can say for myself and my female friends the conversation is more around landscaping, yardwork or gardening. I can't talk politics or war with them at all. That's why I have a blog.
I think I have you beat with seven sisters.

I can assure you, your sample is skewed. Can't agree with those ugly descriptions.

But I pity you
Okay, maybe I was a bit caustic.
Most of those observations came not from my sisters (who are very traditional/old school) but from working as the only male in an office of 13 women. THAT was a revelation.
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