Trolling For Tinfoil
Sunday, June 19, 2005
 
Possibly the last of the Angst-y posts..

I have a little catching up on my blogging to do- I’ve been tasked with completing a Meme sent by Mustang23, some reading I promised Sougata I’d do, and I miss posting in general.

Not really feeling “writer-ish” today, but here goes.

Well, that’s not exactly true.. I feel like dumping, venting my spleen, but I’m not sure that dragging you all along thru the muck is the way to go about it- but I may do it anyway.. Today was a rough day.

I came home after vacation, and did some long overdue house cleaning, laundry and pitching all the ex’s odds ‘n ends. I get annoyed that I have to deal with it at all. Women require a lot of stuff to smell, look and feel girlie, but it only annoys me to look at it, and it’s easily replaceable. It’s not like she didn’t know what my reaction would be- she gambled, lost, and came and got her stuff- so what she left behind goes in the trash. Period. I don’t need it, I don’t want it around, so it goes.

I will back up her files, but those will be passed to someone, since she and I have in the past, a rather nasty habit of torturing ourselves, acting wounded and too proud to bend.

This time there’s no bending, only broken.

I look at this the same way I did when I quit drinking.. I got sick of the negative effects only after rationalizing the positives for waaayy too long.

She had enough things about her that I liked, that made me feel good, that the negatives were worth working on, to my rather convoluted way of thinking. The problem with that theory lies in the fact that only when you get sick of making the same mistakes over and over again will you change, which is what happened to me, and as of yet- Hasn’t happened to her.

My real problem is- I like to drag out my resentments, polish them, look them over, feel angry and work myself into a state of misery. This is a habit I’ve yet to break, but I’m working on it.

It’s made easier by the fact that this was just as much my fault for trying again as it was hers. I have no control over her actions, and you can’t break people like dogs with a rolled up newspaper. I knew better, but ignored the advice of some very wise people and gave it another shot, because I believed what I wanted to believe. .

Pfft. Flippin' lunacy.


Comments:
sorry to hear that, hope things get better.
 
We all have a way of seeing what we want to see and forgetting the rest. Now it is time to Buck up and get over it.
Easier said then done, I know I know.
 
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