Trolling For Tinfoil
Sunday, July 03, 2005
 
Post-gig Post
It's 3:30am my ears are ringing from the gig tonite, but I'm still a little wired.

My brain was working overtime today, and I can't really even tell you what was going through my head. It's like constant white noise, certain mantras or thoughts that I've held on to to keep my ass in line were on auto repeat until I got sick of myself. I tried napping, but damned if my brain doesn't fuck with me in my sleep.

Here's where I stand as of today-

It's still my fault, in the sense that I knew better than to try to get back together with her again.
Why? (I've been trying to swallow some uncomfortable truths about myself as of late..)
Low self-esteem.
Duh.

Well, genius, now that I've had this little eureka moment, how does one go about "Loving ones self"? I've been looking for the little "I love me!" switch, but I think it's broken. Some very smart people have given me clues- "If you want self-esteem, do esteemable things.."

Okay. Got it.
Feed the homeless, and so on. I help take care of my 94 year old-grandfather, which is humbling, especially since he's to weak to make it to the bathroom at times. Ther's other things that I do- Speak at prisons, halfway houses- Basically, I try not to be an oxygen thief.

Here's the problem. I'm left to my own defenses. I have nothing to distract me from me, no crutches, no one to cater to so that I can feel better.
Dating is out of the question- Not only am I a total hornbag, I have a tendency to take hostages, metaphorically speaking. This falls under the category of finding a new square peg to hammer into a round hole.

I have some things going for me, though..
One- I'm determined.
Two- I'm sick of sick people. Normal will do nicely, and there's no one in sight, thank goodness.
Three- Instead of obsessing over my wrongs done to me and emotional wounds, I am going to find a way to get myself semi-whole.
Face it an embrace it. Warts and all.

Change and growth is painful- and I don't like painful, not one bit.

Comments:
Ringing ears..not so fun is it.
We all deal with bouts of low self-esteem. (It is pretty understandable when your fresh from a break up.)
aawwww Helping your 94 year old Grandfather. I have to say that brings you to my heart even more Rob.
 
Did you cheer Go Gordon with me?
 
Your brain works as mine does. Showing you images and remembering painful things. Right?
Accept yourself just as you are. Understand why you fall for these people who are not right for you. (can't call them loosers, I do not know them)It is the first process in healing.
 
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