Trolling For Tinfoil
Monday, October 17, 2005
 
As my mind turns
Well.

I'm writing this largely for me, and if you get something out of it, that's purely a byproduct.

I called the ex today.
I had to. Just when I tought I had everything nicely reconciled, I get blindsided by the whole sordid backstory.

It wasn't who I thought it was all along-
It turns out that it was the guitarist in the band I'm currently playing in.
He's been married three years.
His wife just had a baby.
They were carrying on while his wife was pregnant.

It's pretty much blown up now, so I really could give a flying fuck who reads this.

He was the one who was the sympathetic ear while she was wallowing in whatever she was wallowing in- (I never did get a straight answer..)

I should have known, really- Except that I have this misplaced trust in human nature. I assumed that his constant repetition proclaiming his happiness were to be taken at face value.

Good Lord, those two are like dysfunctional super-heroes.. The depths of their .. What would you call it? Whatever it is that they tell themselves so they can sleep at night must be quite a repertoire.

But, I digress.
We had a conversation, and I made the classic mistake of blowing up after seething all day. I wasn't unnesesarily cruel, but I said very true things in a very harsh manner.
It makes me angry.
It makes me sad.
It's supposed to make me all of those things, I guess. I don't have to like it, I just have to man up and deal with it, so I called.
I was hoping for some closure so I could try to find some shred of forgiveness in myself.

The whole conversation became a perfect illustration of why we didn't work, me trying to break her so she'd admit something close to responsibility. That didn't work and it never did- We never knew how to resolve anything, so I can pinpoint that as a major contributing factor. Neither would give an inch lest we face total annihilaltion, or so it seemed.
The only thing I ever did was make her accountable, and tell the truth. She clearly doesn't function well under those circumstances. She claims, and rightly so, it would seem- That I was hard to open up to, and that I had given my heart away to someone else long before her.
Whoo.. Boy was she wrong on the last one.

There were just as many bad times as good, sadness and joy, but it was the passing of an era. I felt it ringing ike a bell inside me- denial, anger, sadness and finality, but worst of all.. My own naivete' and stupidity. I feel wholly unequipped to deal with any of this. It's like I was stripped of all my petty illusions, and I felt very naked.

They have 12 step programs for addiction, but how about stupid? Any clues?
Anybody?

Comments:
Rob

I really feel for you. This girl has done a number to you and it will be hard to get over it. There will be times you feel over it and then one day for whatever reason, you will wake up feeling in love the person all over. As if those moments of relief from the grip she holds had never existed.

The good news is that time really does heal all wounds. I sincerely believe that this situation will get better with time and YOU will feel better. Without trying to scare you- I also strongly believe that when someone wounds your heart so very deep, the pain, in some way will always stay with you. I don't believe you ever really get over a deep loss. So don't sit around waiting for the day that there is not a hint of pain, it may never come. Instead, focus on eaach small achievement. When I first lost the love of my life, I would literally "hear" the phone ringing when I was asleep. Thinking he had called I would wake up only to find that the phone had never rung. Just another dream. However, in my mind I had a lil celebration when the "phone" stopped ringing during the night. And when I would see him I would cry. When I could look at him and not cry, I would celebrate. Keep taking these small steps and focus on the fact that it is getting better.

I think it is important that you stop blaming yourself. Stop trying to find a reason. I know it is all easier said than done but you need to focus on "how am I going to move on" instead of "what did I do wrong". I am sure you feel that you were not good enough. I am sure you study any guy she is seeing and compare them to yourself. I am sure you make stories in your head to try to justify what has happened. This, I believe, is all normal.

It has been four years since I lost my love. Wow- four years- to write that is crazy cuz it seems like 6 months ago!! And writing this letter makes me cry because the pain of memories come back. But everyday I am getting better. There was once a time where I thought of him EVERY DAY. IT was sickening. But those days have passed, and they will for you too.

Sometimes life is not fair. Sometimes we are dealt a hand that just is not fair. And sometimes we never do get an answer to the only question that could make us feel better which is why? Why did she cheat? Why was I not good enough? Why can't I move on? Why did this happen to me? Why would I go back so many times? Why did I put my heart on the line so many times to just be treated like dirt in the end? Why, when she knows how hurt I am, would she screw around with someone I know?

Rob, you may never get all those answers. Don't punish yourself in trying to find them. Take each day as it comes and learn from your mistakes. If this advice helps, I am glad. I have been in your shoes and you can believe me when I say I feel your pain.
 
Nah, you're not stupid. Quit being so hard on yourself.

I gathered from this post that you are trying to get closure by talking to her. I am curious; does the hope run along the following lines: "We will talk. She will show a glimpse of accountability. Maybe admit that she messed up just a tiny bit. And then I will forgive her. Closure will follow."

Please note that there is no sarcasm in that above question, just curiosity.

Also, I ask this question because it occurs to me that you are trying a litle too hard to forgive her. Maybe the hope is that she'll change a little, admit to some fault on her part, show at least a grudging willingness to take some of the rap; and that'll give you a mental "out".

I hope that this is exactly what happens. I would like this to happen, if this is indeed your wish.

Having said that, let me also throw out a slightly different point of view. And do tell me what you think of it, if anything.

This is what my limited experience of the world and the people in it says: You can't change people. People don't change. Not just like that. Not at the snap of a finger. I also certainly do not believe that any amount of conversation does the trick.

Irresponsible people don't suddenly become responsible. Self-reliant people don't abruptly become turgid leeches. Caring people don't turn callous overnight.

A shallow, pathetic, spineless human being does not get up one fine morning and say, "I rather think I'll henceforth become a profound, creditable, upright human being." A brave, honest man does not, over a random weekend, decide to become a snivelling, morally bankrupt coward.

This is not to say that people don't change ever. People do change. But they change -- fundamentally change -- only in response to a massive external stimulus. Usually a massive negative external stimulus. In other words, people change only in response to a life-altering event. Most people change fundamentally at most once or twice over their lifetime. Some never do.

Moral of the story: I think it's probably ok even if you can't change her mind about who should admit guilt. It's ok if you don't manage to forgive her just yet. In a paradoxical sense, perhaps it is becoming difficult to forgive her because you are consciously trying to forgive her. Accept her for whatever she is (good, bad or something in between) and move on, is what I guess I am saying. Believe me, there is nothing else one can do.

My usual disclaimer applies. I speak only from my personal experience when I claim that people don't change. I am not an optimist when it comes to human relationships. Too much empirical evidence robs me of any optimism in this matter :-) Your case, however, may be vastly different. So read this with liberal doses of salt. You have been warned.
 
I gathered from this post that you are trying to get closure by talking to her. I am curious; does the hope run along the following lines: "We will talk. She will show a glimpse of accountability. Maybe admit that she messed up just a tiny bit. And then I will forgive her. Closure will follow."


That, in my convoluted way of thinking- I s exactly what I was hoping to wring out of her. I say "wring" because that's what it was like. In the face of cold, hard logic, it was like shadow boxing- Nothing would ever connect.

Here's what I face-
Me.
That's a tall order. To use your external stimulus analogy, I am dead in the eye of the storm. I can choose to move forward, out and away from this, or I can sit and seethe and obsess. I am stewing in my own juices, not moving forward much.
When, and if I get tired of feeling this way (read: Ow! It hurts! I need to quit touching the hot stove..) I will move on. Pruning the dead branches can be hard, to say the very least.

Dreamingsomewhere Stop trying to find a reason. I know it is all easier said than done but you need to focus on "how am I going to move on" instead of "what did I do wrong". I am sure you feel that you were not good enough. I am sure you study any guy she is seeing and compare them to yourself. I am sure you make stories in your head to try to justify what has happened. This, I believe, is all normal
I am trying to move on, hence the conversation, but you are correct in the assumption that I am also trying to figure out what I did wrong. I see him to my left for four to five hours a night on the weekends, and I've been pouring out all my little troubles to him, totally oblivious. Well, not totally, but denial is what it is. I know why she found him- She makes friends based on attraction and lets them play the sypathetic friend.
She's always done this, therefore I laid out the rule of "no male friends". She broke it once, and I broke it off for a few months. We got back together, and I made an exception in his case.
There are no two other people on this planet who make worse decisions than those two. It was fate.
 
When, and if I get tired of feeling this way (read: Ow! It hurts! I need to quit touching the hot stove..) I will move on.

That sounds fair to me. And somewhat painful. But such is the way of the world sometimes. ** philosophical face/grimace **

I forgot to mention something in the last comment: I do understand the part about the newly revealed sordid backstory. And allow me to say that I am suitably appalled. That sort of story does not sit well with any halfway fair-minded person.

I have more thoughts on this topic, but duty calls for now. And in any case, all my comments tend to become mini-posts. That is prolly not a good habit to encourage.
 
Sougata, it scares me that you think like Rob...I know him personally and your "We will talk. She will show a glimpse of accountability. Maybe admit that she messed up just a tiny bit. And then I will forgive her. Closure will follow." was exactly correct. Somehow, you and Rob seem to have the same overanalytical thought processes. That's not an insult, just an incredulous observation. Good luck with that!

By the way, I enjoy your mini-posts, and I'm sure Rob doesn't mind you taking up his blogspace(?--not sure of the term, I'm not a blogger).
 
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