Trolling For Tinfoil
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
 
Gambles, truth and bitterness.
This has come to be the place where I go when I need to swallow some uncomfortable truths about myself.
It's a process, documented on the web for the world to see, and most of you are checking in to see where it goes next.
I can also look back and see what "magic feather" I was holding onto for that particular time to keep myself afloat.
(So far, everyone has been very understanding and supportive, and for that I wish to extend my sincerest gratitude.) The emails and comments I have received thus far have been most welcome, encouraging and thought provoking. I especially welcome thought provoking. My overblown sense of self-pity doesn't need reinforced, since to feed it will only encourage it. (Which doesn't seem to stop me from doing it though..)

Some have said "Don't blame yourself".
I don't.

At least not in the sense that I am filled with a sudden crushing onset of sunken self-esteem. Yesterday's "Binky" analogy has mutated today into something else. Today's chunk of "truth-as-I-know-it-and-must-be-swallowed" comes in the form of this mighty burst of insight..

Some have said cheating was the thing that broke us up, and I have defended against that assumption, but I could never articulate it well until now. Cheating, or the ever-present "someone else" was merely a side effect of a greater affliction. I cut her loose twice because of these side effects, trying in vain to get her to see that what you feel does not justify your actions. Unfortunately, logic never stood a chance against "feeling".

I would talk, sometimes yell in frustration- "You can't do whatever you want and later wash it all away by saying you can't help how you feel!"

It. did. not. compute.

Mighty logic is useless against feeling. Especially when emotions are her drug of choice. They don't have to be good emotions- just intense ones. In the face of overwhelming evidence that actions will result in a bad situation, she persisted with odd, seemingly totally self-destructive behavior.

I would shake my head, get so frustrated that I could scream out loud and let her go, hoping against hope that she would see that everything has a price, no matter how it makes you feel at the moment. You can't fix someone who is addicted and doesn't want to be fixed.
I let her go, keeping a close eye on her- Waiting for the day that she punished herself enough that she finally got it.

Oh, sure.. I knew that it may never work out, and that I would lose her forever, in which case I saw myself being philosophical and moving on. The risk I ran was that she would find someone I vaguely knew, I would never see her much and life would go on. Never did I think that any of this would happen, so close that wer'e all getting bombed by the fallout, and I'd have to deal with all the layers of the onion as they're peeled back right in front of me, in my face.

Every plan has a flaw. Mine was that I was irreplaceable- Or so I thought.

Now, he has a major flaw to deal with.. She'll use how she feels to justify anything, and the day he makes unhappy, he will find out what that means.
The very gate he walked in through he has not locked behind him.
His divorce and custody battles will be painful, brutal and bitter. I don't wish him any ill will there. He owns it because he broke it. However- When all the external influences die down, and they can't hide in each other, doing the "two lovers against all odds routine" they are left with each other. That's when I will sit on the sidelines, order a hot dog and watch. Two wounded bears in a cage with nothing to feed on but each other.
Yikes.

We'll see how I feel, and hopefully it won't matter by then.

Comments:
That hot dog you order will probably have "relish" (vt),right? You'll work it all out. Be easy on yourself. (Darn it! I tried refraining from commenting since my comments are usually misunderstood - or not worded correctly.)
 
So far, everyone has been very understanding and supportive, and for that I wish to extend my sincerest gratitude.

Think nothing of it, Sir. It has been an honor -- or as some of us say, honour.
 
Bonnie Your comments are forthright and always welcome.
Let's hope I've grown up enough by then to have let it go, no relish needed. But- If it were to happen tomorrow?
Hell, I'd sell tickets.

Sougata If it weren't for your counterpoint, I'd be poorer indeed.
 
Rob, I've been watching this series for a while. Sorry I could not get to posting a thought for a while. Let's face it - love is a bitch! It takes a lot of courage to face the feelings you have felt and come out on top. Nobody said it was going to be easy. Hats off to you for that. If anything, you have now acquired more wisdom which will serve you better. The problem is that everything is learnt the hard way. As my friend Dickens would say, "It is better to have loved and lost that to not have loved at all."
 
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