Trolling For Tinfoil
Friday, October 21, 2005
Grains of sand vs pearls of wisdom
This will be a quickie, more or less.

I don't have many grains of sand I must polish into a pearl today. Just the same ones, lessening with each day.

There are certain grim satisfactions I have, and I'm no better for feeling a small lump of cold bitterness towards them. It will turn out the way it's supposed to, and God does not need my help rectifying injustices done to me. He gives each of us as much rope as we ask for.

It is my belief that this holds true for everyone.

In short- You can do anything you damn well please, just don't bitch and moan when the bill comes due. Everything has a price.

I have been bitching and moaning. The bill came due, and it was a great surprise to me that I held on to things that I knew to be absurd.

One is the realization that I was basically acting like her parent, letting her go her own way, wallow in her own wreckage, never really letting her out of my sight, and then swooping in to pick her up before someone else did.

I'm not her dad.

No matter where I am or who I'm dating- I will not share emotional space and energy with someone else unless it's a child.
This is the very reason I bailed in the first place. I was tired of it, and I was kind of OK with thinking she was dating someone else, but then all my assumptions and illusions were put to the test.

Betrayal, deceit? Secondary to the fact that I would not stand in line while she chased her emotions.

One thing she said from our last conversation that sticks with me-
"I became what you always said I was".

No, not really.
You just did what I always thought you'd do.. You followed the irresistable pull of your emotions, in spite of reason, logic, honesty, respect of others and respect of self.
It's just simple selfishness in pursuit of a feeling.

I just didn't think you'd do it in such a spectacular fashion.

YAY!!! I think you got it, Rob.
The real question is..

Can I hang on to it?
No One can answer that but you Rob.
Tell me do you think you can hang on?
I have faith in you...DO YOU???
I agree with K. No question about it. You most definitely can - and WILL - hang on to it.
Gee, we've beome a little cheer group for you. Ha-a-a-ng in there, Rob! Don't you tell us that we have more faith in you than you have in yourself. You know you can do it.
Oh, fear not..
(BTW.. Can I visualize all of you in nice little cheerleader outfits with an "R" on the front? )

Just askin'.
Leave me out of your daydreams.

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