Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Possibly the most disjointed post ever.
I guess any day that I don't drink is really a good one.
Most days it's like a little pilot light on a gas stove. There, but barely noticeable.
Today- Or to be more precise- The last two weeks it's been a roaring bonfire, blazing up when fuel has been added to the fire, and then having consumed the immediate fuel, it settles down to a dull roar in the back of my head.
Think of wanting a cigarette all day, every day for two weeks. You kind of adjust to it, try to compensate and do healthy things (gym, clean the house- Anything constructive..) instead of hiding from it. It just becomes background noise, more or less, but it does wear you down.
The good news is, it's really just a sign of weakness leaving, if you want to get all metaphorical about it.
The things that make it flare up? It usually means I've been denied the things that I use to make myself feel better.
You can pick your obvious poisons-
Co-Dependency *dingdingding* Winnah!
It would appear that I have real issues with people pleasing and co-dependency.
God, that sounds so trite and cliche'd, buuuuut- The obvious is so hard to ignore at times, I annoy myself.
This explains a lot about me and how my brain works-
Imagine standing in the middle of a busy intersection blindfolded. Some things you can sense coming, others just come along out of the blue and mow you down. You would think I'd find a less busy intersection but I can't.
It's my brain and I'm sorta stuck with it.
Drinking would slow the traffic down to a manageble speed, but clearly this is unnacceptable if one wishes to live a normal life of any consequence.
Being with someone else who made me feel good (as long as I was with her, and never let her out of my sight..) worked as a nice substitution for a while, but I outgrew her. She has stayed where she was, or gotten much worse, if I were to be blunt.
Later, It was an obvious mismatch. But, she was like my "binky" even if, as a binky she was terrible.
I tried to fix said binky.
Binky didn't want to be fixed.
I threw the binky away, but not so far I couldn't run back and pick it up.
Eventually, someone else came along and told the binky that it was a good binky, and under-appreciated.
Okay, enough of the binky stuff, but that's pretty much how my mind works. I didn't really want it as it was, but I didn't want anyone else to have it either.
Here's the good part.
I can replay last night's conversation, listening to her, and know that I don't live in that world anymore.
I did at one time, listening to her phrases, the things that she says to convince herself, and knowing there's a good person waaaaay down in there. I used to speak and think just like that, but the separation has made the obvious differences more tangible.
I am kind of watching, with part of my mind saying with a heavy mental sigh- "This ought to be .. tragic." The other part of me is going "Mine! Mine!" Even if I didn't want to put up with all the negative crap anymore.
I have enough sense to look at it like one watches a squirrel running across a busy street. You just know that the squirrel is going to get hammered, but the nut is too tempting.
You have sort of a detatched grimness about you as squirrel grabs the nut and starts back, only to get pounded by a minivan, his little squirrel life ended right there and then.
You knew it'd happen, but you don't speak squirrel, so it's not like you could warn him-
But you feel sad nonetheless.