Trolling For Tinfoil
Sunday, November 06, 2005
I got a very nice email from one of the regulars- It pretty much stopped me in my tracks, made me thankful that I have nice people who check in on the semi-regular updates and see where the soap opera is going.

I don't really kmow where to begin, or should I say, i don't know how to gracefully sugue into the unusual week that I had playing four nights in the place where the ex works, next to the man who .. I guess for lack of a better word- is like a living monument to my own naivete' and stupidity.

Saturday afternoon brought an unusual call from the ex- Her PC was broken, so she called and wanted to know if she could use my PC to download some pages for her class.
I went into instant doormat mode and said "sure' without thinking..
After I hung up, a voice in the back of my mind said "She crapped all over you, she calls and wants to use your computer and all you can say is "sure"?
So, she shows up, I log her on, complete with the image of a middle finger raised in salute that I placed there after I deleted the picture of her and I. I think she got the point, but in my defense, it's been there for months, and I've grown fond of it.

I decided to go get a cup of coffee. If I'm seeing someone with the understanding that it's exclusive, it hardly seems appropriate to be that close to her. Knowing her, it was planned anyway.
I come back, and small talk is exchanged, and it is mentioned that I will have company at the show this evening, but I was hoping to shield her from gossip.. She says- "That's hardly my fault"...
My brain exploded. Red flash of pure, blinding rage.
I kept my voice calm, since there really was no point in yelling, but I explained to her that yes, is was indeed her fault, since it was all so unnessesary to begin with. I wouldn't be going through any of this if it weren't for her.

I went outside, and she left, leaving a ten on the desk, with a note that said "thanks".

She then called about a half hour later.

That conversation was the result of my inner explosion, but it was a long, and intense conversation, each of us hammering our points home. Not mean or aggressive, mind you, but really hammering at things until we got each of our feelings through.
It would have never worked had she not left herself so little wiggle room as a result of her actions. She is faced with her self, undeniable evidence that something in her thought process is wired wrong, so that made my job a lot easier.

I eventually got something of an apology.

It was like all the anger and resentment melted, if only for a while. I know that while she occupies a huge chunk of my emotions, I have no desire to return to that.

You should keep in mind that I haven't always apologized for my actions, but I came to a place three and a half years ago where resolving to work on what caused me to behave that way was the only escape from myself- That's AA at work.

She still carries resentments from my drinking days. I cannot undo any of that except to demonstrate daily, in deeds and speech that I recognize that I was an alcoholic, and do my utmost to address those things that made me an alcoholic. Sometimes obsessively, maniacally so, to the detriment of all else around me. Nonetheless, effort was and is being made to change and to grow, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I do this for me- Not for her. It's my liferaft to which I cling. No matter what happens around me, as long as I hold on and develop myself- an do NOT put any chemicals in my body- I have a shot.
At what, I don't know.. More will be revealed, but all I have to do is check the evidence in my life and know that I am blessed, possessing more inner peace (even through all this!) than I have ever had since a child. I can look at myself in the mirror. I owe no one anything other than the truth, no explanations, no rationalizations, no justifications, just- This is who I am, and I am the sum of my actions, daily.

I grew into that, and she stayed the same and the inequity became all too obvious. Now it's her turn to grow, but it saddens me that it's too little too late.
I wish her the best.

I can say I understand this all to well. Though alcohol wasn't and isn't my addiction. I grew up and out of a situation, while the other party remained childlike and wasn't realizing their part in the situation. Took a long time to get my self to the point where I could say thats their problem. For myself I had to take care of me first and foremost. (behind my children though.) I had to do what was best for me. I have it easy where I can say "do I want my sons to know I have or have not done this"? I aspire to be the best Mom I know how to be and as a result I feel like I have grown into the Mom they deserve. Which in itself is great but on top of that I am now happy with ME. I like ME and I enjoy who I am today.
You will be here with me in this happy little spot soon very very soon I can feel it. mwwwaaahhhhhhhhh (wink)
I rejoice at your success, growth, and peace of heart and mind. Know that we care about you and wholeheartedly support you. God bless you, Rob!
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