Trolling For Tinfoil
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
My poor blog..
I have been neglecting it as of late. Thanks to the gentle, and not-so-gentle reminders that I was past due for my updates..
No drama here. *gasp*
I'm dating, but I can't get into anything serious, just because- Well.. I am in no shape for that and unfit for human consumption. Dates are nice. If it gets more serious than that, alarm bells sound and I vanish, only to have to sheepishly explain that I am, at heart- A coward and don't like to break bad news to someone who may or may not want more.
This doesn't mean that I don't pursue "friends with benefits", but both parties must understand clearly what the rules are. So far, I haven't dabbled in that too much. It will probably get complicated also.
I haven't given much more thought to Dallas as of late, only because I'm comfortable back here at home, but.. If it keeps bubbling up, I'll give it it's due consideration. I have yet to be "seductificated" to quote Sougata..
I hope everyone's Thanksgiving was free of drama- Mine was. My sister from Connecticutt slept here, which is nice. It's nice to have a house that people feel comfortable in.
That's al for now-
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Dallas was nice-
(It sparked a lot of fun comments)
While I was there, I managed to see two of my uncles-
One lives on a nice sized lake outside of Dallas, the other in DeSoto. I visited the lakeside house, which was lovely, even if it was a headlights-only kind of tour. The other has a hobby-band and is a great musician in his own right, so I got to play with him while there. He took me around to a couple of clubs and I sat in with some really good players, and managed to hold my own to the point where they offered me work.. Nice to see I can play in that league.
It feels very comfortable there.. The people say "hello" readily and without pretense, there's a thriving music scene, and I have family there.
The thought of moving was constantly burbling in the the back of my head, but I like to toy with the idea more than actually comitting to it.
I have no real reason to move- I have a good job, I can find work here as a musician without having to kiss anyone's ass, and my immediate family is also here.
But, by the same reasoning, I don't have anything here to keep me from moving.
Interesting dilemna, no?
I have never in my life just "picked up and moved" to a new place except when I was much younger and more resilient. My step father was in the Air Force, so we racked up three moves, which is pretty good for an Air Force family.
It is somethingto think about, but it needn't be an all consuming obsession.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Blogging from Dallas
Here I sit, smoking in my Hotel room, blogging in my underwear on a kingsize bed, using a wireless connection and drinking Ice Water while watching PBS.
Not bad, eh?
I may never leave.
I'm in the "Big D" all week, undergoing printer training -but- I have two uncles that live here, so I get to see family. I do like it here, Buuut.. It has it's drawbacks.
Traffic is a friggin' nightmare.
This town is "tech heavy", up to it's butt in geeks, so moving here is a quickly discarded notion.
God knows I love the Cowboys, and there's lots to see and do and the women are friggin' stunning..
*sigh* But- I'd starve.
I really like the way the women dress here-
(Oh, I know, I know..I wouldn't fare any better, since I think I'm looking for a woman who looks like a model, fucks like a porn star, cooks like Martha Stewart and knows what right and wrong is. Compromises will have to be made. )
I have a friend who states flat out that women come in three styles, and you can have any two of the following choices-
Pick any two, he says, and that's as good as it gets.
Eh. It's full moon, which means I get the male version of PMS and ponder ridiculous shit like this.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
I have nuthin' to bitch about..
Well, I have nothing to bitch, whine or pine about today. Truthfully, most days are like that, except that I can't ever seem to find the "off" switch.
My daughter's senior play is on Thursday, and I was reminded that it might be nice to get flowers to give to her afterwards. It's tradition, or so I'm told..She's quite the little actress, lemme tell ya. This is why women rule- They seem to exist in that world where details are easily and matter-of-factly recalled. I do not possess that skill, to the degree that I'm somewhat notorious for being disorganized. It's only lately (in the past few years to be exact) that I have grown weary of being an out of control slob. Bills are paid on time, dishes are done, laundry is done, usually once a week- Out of a semi rigorous routine I've developed.
This week I didn't take the trash to the curb. I felt like a lazy bum for not doing so, but I'm just one person in my house, so it's not like I generate tons of trash as it is. There's no health risk, but- I could've done it.
When I let things slide, even little trivial things- I feel like I'm getting out of control.
You see how my mind works?
Eh- This post is going nowhere fast, but I felt like I should post something other than the daily diary of a co-dependant dweeb..
Sunday, November 06, 2005
I got a very nice email from one of the regulars- It pretty much stopped me in my tracks, made me thankful that I have nice people who check in on the semi-regular updates and see where the soap opera is going.
I don't really kmow where to begin, or should I say, i don't know how to gracefully sugue into the unusual week that I had playing four nights in the place where the ex works, next to the man who .. I guess for lack of a better word- is like a living monument to my own naivete' and stupidity.
Saturday afternoon brought an unusual call from the ex- Her PC was broken, so she called and wanted to know if she could use my PC to download some pages for her class.
I went into instant doormat mode and said "sure' without thinking..
After I hung up, a voice in the back of my mind said "She crapped all over you, she calls and wants to use your computer and all you can say is "sure"?
So, she shows up, I log her on, complete with the image of a middle finger raised in salute that I placed there after I deleted the picture of her and I. I think she got the point, but in my defense, it's been there for months, and I've grown fond of it.
I decided to go get a cup of coffee. If I'm seeing someone with the understanding that it's exclusive, it hardly seems appropriate to be that close to her. Knowing her, it was planned anyway.
I come back, and small talk is exchanged, and it is mentioned that I will have company at the show this evening, but I was hoping to shield her from gossip.. She says- "That's hardly my fault"...
My brain exploded. Red flash of pure, blinding rage.
I kept my voice calm, since there really was no point in yelling, but I explained to her that yes, is was indeed her fault, since it was all so unnessesary to begin with. I wouldn't be going through any of this if it weren't for her.
I went outside, and she left, leaving a ten on the desk, with a note that said "thanks".
She then called about a half hour later.
That conversation was the result of my inner explosion, but it was a long, and intense conversation, each of us hammering our points home. Not mean or aggressive, mind you, but really hammering at things until we got each of our feelings through.
It would have never worked had she not left herself so little wiggle room as a result of her actions. She is faced with her self, undeniable evidence that something in her thought process is wired wrong, so that made my job a lot easier.
I eventually got something of an apology.
It was like all the anger and resentment melted, if only for a while. I know that while she occupies a huge chunk of my emotions, I have no desire to return to that.
You should keep in mind that I haven't always apologized for my actions, but I came to a place three and a half years ago where resolving to work on what caused me to behave that way was the only escape from myself- That's AA at work.
She still carries resentments from my drinking days. I cannot undo any of that except to demonstrate daily, in deeds and speech that I recognize that I was an alcoholic, and do my utmost to address those things that made me an alcoholic. Sometimes obsessively, maniacally so, to the detriment of all else around me. Nonetheless, effort was and is being made to change and to grow, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I do this for me- Not for her. It's my liferaft to which I cling. No matter what happens around me, as long as I hold on and develop myself- an do NOT put any chemicals in my body- I have a shot.
At what, I don't know.. More will be revealed, but all I have to do is check the evidence in my life and know that I am blessed, possessing more inner peace (even through all this!) than I have ever had since a child. I can look at myself in the mirror. I owe no one anything other than the truth, no explanations, no rationalizations, no justifications, just- This is who I am, and I am the sum of my actions, daily.
I grew into that, and she stayed the same and the inequity became all too obvious. Now it's her turn to grow, but it saddens me that it's too little too late.
I wish her the best.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Cheeleaders and post gig thoughts
I've been chuckling at my own personal glee club. It seems to have taken on a life of it's own..
I am a lucky man.
I came home, a little tired, very dispirited, and checked my comments.
Nice pick me up at the end of a long day.
That being said....
I have to get out of this godawful band. It is sucking the life out of me. No band is worth this, I don't care how good the players are.. I don't need attention that bad. I hate that I ever had to deal with any of this, I'm tired of the raging battle between logic and hurt feelings, but mostly.. It just sucks.
I can't heal and move on when it's in my face all the time. I have moments where I am at peace with all this, but I see or hear something that slams it back, and I have to start from scratch all over again. I need time and separation from all this.
Then I can stop pining and whining.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
The quick and dirty.
It's been somewhat eventful as of late, and at the same time, not really.
My apologies for the delay-
I didn't feel like dumping as of late, and there really isn't much to write about that doesn't annoy me, since it's just been more pointless drama.
I feel like a bit player in "Jerry Springer- The Musical".
Thankfully, I'm not the star.
The updates, which shall be quick and dirty..
1) He called and said he'd broken it off with her.
2) He then didn't hear from her (but I had..) and went to see her after telling his wife that he "wanted to see if she was OK".
3) She lets him...
4) She gets nervous and takes the baby and goes over, at which point a minor, but civil showdown takes place.
5) Denial met reality. Briefly.
6) He dicides to work it out w/ wife after my ex expresses doubts.
Now, I personally don't think it'll last long since they both have the self control of lemmings.
I have to play (again) at the Winner's Circle where I will get to be the disgraced, co-dependent ex boyfriend. Yay.
I have no idea what part they'll be playing.
I only have to endure this until the end of the year, since I wanted to be as dignified as possible, salvaging what little is left of my pride and give the band notice. (Plus, I need the money, but not so much that if it gets freaky, I'm pulling the plug and leaving on the spot.)
That's realy all I have. The dating scene for me is what it is, and when I forget that- Trouble starts. But as long as I let things happen as they're supposed to, then I'm OK. I don't need more drama.